Living Room Wreckage

Red Sofa as Deal-Breaker

Richard: It was a cold and rainy afternoon in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, but the Society for Creative Anachronism (Asheville Chapter) weren't about to let a little late-spring drizzle put a damper on their weekly weaponry drill. It's a good thing, too: otherwise, Terence and Claude would never have met on the jousting field set up in Nadine Wooten's backyard. That night, they held another duel in private.

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Bambi's Family Vault

Heather:
Little does Billy Bob know, but Bambi's uncle Joe and Peter once also thought this was a safe place to play with Thumper.

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Horticultural Horrors

Sean:There comes a time in every young lady's life when she decides to combine her passion for interior design with her lifelong interest in artificial flowers, thereby creating a Little Floral Shop of Horrors right in her very own home! I have it on good authority that the water lilies by the door feed on human blood and that the villainous vines overtaking the room will doo-wop your cares away with the kind of sultry vocal stylings that would put finest celebrity Broadway ensemble to shame. Now. I like plants and flowers as much as the next gay.

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The Maddening Calamity of Meat-Beating Chairs

Richard: Okay, what's with the skeezy, meat-beating chairs, America? And don't try to say, "Oh no, this is all Canada's doing. See that poster in the background with the big red 'Agnostic' on it? We wouldn't have anything so godless in the Red, White, and Blue!" I ain't buyin' it.

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Where Gravity Goes To Die

Sean: Cheese and crackers! Look at that paint job! It's like Little Boy Blue joined the candy stripers and decided to celebrate his do-goodery with a wall mural. In a move that would hornswaggle the artiest of art critics, he took a picture of his handiwork (see far left, third row down), framed it and then hung it on said mural as a sort of existential, two-tone mind-fuck that is as perplexing as it is completely and utterly profound.

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Verdant Fecundity Run Amok

Shawn: Sheer modern-day mythology. Here, confirmed bachelor Pygmalion ditches ivory virgin Galatea and goes for the gusto with a Neoclassical man-nymph born of all his dreams. The key elements are all perfectly updated with just the right ersatz spin. The petal pink bas relief depicts love goddess Aphrodite -- certainly to be incarnated as Lady Gaga -- and the locale has shifted seamlessly from the temple at Cyprus to a condo in Cyprus Springs.

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The Danger of Dangling a Walmart Sling

Richard: In case you were wondering how to snazz up that bonus room in the condominium you bought at Chardonnay Hills or Merlot Court or Franzia Estates or whatever corner of Florida you inhabit, we suggest not following this example. The room itself? Innocuous and insipid, but harmless. Add a little "decor", and it becomes a Chamber of Death.

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A Room of One's Own (Undoing)

Shawn: From the Jame Gumb collection, I presume. Everything about this abode makes it the ideal den for a serial killer, Neo-Nazi, obsessed fan, or would-be presidential assassin.

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The Green Room -- Haunted Hell House Style

David: Why do I have a feeling I've wandered into one of those Haunted Hell Houses that a Christian youth group in Kentucky has constructed in an abandoned shopping mall? Obviously the same electricians and painting crew were employed to assemble the wreckage. And because those evangelical horror homes are all about allegories, the above scene would have something to do with the whole gay marriage issue.

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Grandma's Ranch Home with Ninja Stars

Shawn: This is the Pit & The Pendulum interpreted bad trick-style; each element offers up more terrifying menace and promises no possibility of escape. The hyper-florid drapes are the sort I'd expect from some Park Avenue dowager, and combined with the almost plush-looking wall paint, it all just makes me want to pop a Claritin®.

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