Dens From Hell

A Dungeon/Kitchenette and Crustacean Corner

Richard: My mother used to say that wisdom comes with age. My mother also used to say that orange is a wonderful color for a bedroom and that gauchos are perfectly acceptable for Sunday church services, so she's been proven wrong before.

This photo pretty much destroys her wisdom/age hypothesis.

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Gandalf's Lair

Sean: I think I've seen this photo as a brainteaser in the back of last month's Sci Fi Magazine with the following caption: Can you find all the magic swords hidden in this wizard's room? Strangely enough, none of the swords are crossing. Wait a minute. That's part two of the brainteaser. Anyway, my personal favorite is the sword mounted on the plaque, which, as everyone knows, is the award given for reading The Lord of The Rings one million times. The framed photocopies of what appears to be obscure verse by J.R.R.

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Wedgwood for the Miley Cyrus Generation

Richard: You know what? I am totally onboard for this. No, seriously: I am madly in love with this room. I mean, who doesn't dig Wedgwood? And this -- this isn't just Wedgwood, it's Wedgwood for the Miley Cyrus Generation, WEDGWOOOOOD TO THE EXXXXXTREME. My grandmother would probably hate it, but I find it exciting and new -- like an episode of the Love Boat featuring guest stars Wendy O. Williams, Boadicea, and Dr. Bombay. (If only, right?)

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The Quantum Physics of Beige and Black

David: I'm not an advocate for celebrity portraits placed in public areas of the home -- like this den, or worse a living room. Why? What exactly does this sort of fandom broadcast? Need one be reminded daily of Barbra Streisand's role in the film Nuts? I mean, that's what would come to mind for me -- despite this being a circa, say, '68 photograph -- each time I walked through the room. But wait. I've lost the thrust of my commentary.

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100% Pure Teutonic Kitsch

Shawn: I’m getting profound Eurotrash vibrations from this one. Why, I can practically hear Giorgio Moroder synths. His Gigi D’Agostino-style grooming and hair color suggest Italy, but the furniture has a Black Forest sensibility to it that reads Switzerland. I suspect the leather office chair comes courtesy of the polyglot Eurostyle catalog, so that in conjunction with the generic Pan-European or -American nude pin-up just further muddies the waters.

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Crash Pad

David: I scan this interior and my eyes begin to tear; considering what it would take to actually organize and sanitize this space. My suggestion: hire one of those crews that come in and clean up after the scene of a grisly crime -- they'd have the psychological wherewithal to deal, without going over the edge themselves. In closing I've just gotta quote from Evn, the kind gentleman who submitted this pic for us today.

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The Tawdry Look of Mis-Matched Timber

David: Given the texture and variegated quality to wood paneling, a golden rule for homo homeowners is to never ever mix varieties. Here we have the ruddiness of cedar colliding with an ill and yellow-bleached pine wall treatment. The combination telegraphs a kind of hillbilly hideousness -- the likes of which hasn't been seen in since Kid Rock married Pamela Anderson.

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The Curio of Curiosities in an Immensely Fresh Space

Steve: I wouldn't want to insinuate that this might ever be the future location of sweaty gay sex, but it might. Isn't that the most wonderful thing?

Rest assured, everything will smell completely fresh for the duration, and you'll be surrounded by a dizzying array of delicate pastel-colored ornaments, hand-painted in Taiwan.

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Happy Holidays from Lurid Digs

Steve: Are you guys ready for some pant-off, mystical-holiday-ass action? I should hope you would be! Get loose for heaven's sake!

This is the time of year when families come together to share in a spirit of giving and gratitude, and when their super-weird son who never moved out plays World of Warcraft in the basement, and takes pictures like this to post on dating sites developed entirely for other weird sons who live in their parents' basements.

Tell you what, from one man to another, I want you to have this powder horn.

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