Dens From Hell

Semi-Hard Times

Richard:Look, I get it: you're busy. After 31 years at Crazy Ed's Insurance Warehouse, you were shitcanned and replaced by an Eric Trump wannabe. Those Peanuts collectibles you bought on eBay, hoping that they'd appreciate in value and fund your retirement, turned out to be Chinese knockoffs from the Peanoughts collection. Uber isn't as lucrative as you'd hoped, so you're juggling 17 side-hustles to make ends meet. Ain't nothing going on but the rent, baby.


Does Anyone Else Smell Video Head Cleaner?

Richard: Ladies and gentlemen, Lurid Digs is proud to present a technological breakthrough: the internet's first scratch-and-sniff jpg! It's so advanced, you don't even have to scratch your screen. Just sniff!

Sniff, and inhale in the musty scent of that dingy sofa (which the owner probably calls a couch)! Why open the sliding doors and let in a little fresh air when you can breathe and rebreathe such an intoxicating fragrance?


A Phthalocyanine Green Unsafe Space

David: One of America's finest novelists, Don DeLillo once noted: “Before pop art, there was such a thing as bad taste. Now there's kitsch, schlock, camp, and porn.” We've a sneaking suspicion that Mr. DeLillo might have found inspiration for his quote after appraising the discomfiting color and texture collision of this particular closet-into-a-room conversion.


What's Wrong With This Picture?

Richard: At my elementary school, we were taught to be "normal". To get that point across, our teachers relied on drawings of bedrooms, stadiums, and shopping malls, each labeled with the same question: "What's wrong with this picture?"


Inquiring Minds Need to Know

Richard: Sometimes, photos generate more questions than answers. Sometimes, what is unknown is more telling than what is known. (Don't tell me I'm not a zen master.) To wit:

1. Why are there wind chimes indoors?

2. Why is there garden furniture indoors?

3. Why is there an uncovered garbage can beside the door and not under the kitchen sink?


I Am Nauseous (Yellow) 2: Electric Boogaloo

Eric: I'm fully aware of the modern trend toward multi-purpose spaces. It isn't even particularly modern-- I've been advocating halfbath/library combinations since the '70s, and Catherine Beecher was doing open concept with movable partitions and rolling rooms a century before that.


Crystal Room Persuasion

Richard: The life of a musician is hard — but then, you knew that. Harder still is the life of a real estate agent in 2010. Seriously, that shit blows.


Trend Alert: Giant Brown Barcaloungers

David: We think there's a form of Lurid Digs-inspired devolution at work here. After years of highlighting the kind of sofas most inclined to suffocate (or devour) their unwitting owners, we're now discovering another disturbing trend: chairs that are serving a similar death wish-compelled function: Big, brown, puffy Barcaloungers.

Only in America could this phenomenon occur with such callow abandon: The land of Hummers, 55-ounce Big Gulps, Costco food orgies and Texas.


Sixteen Lazyboys Keep Globe Tilted on its Axis

David: There are fifteen more rocker/recliners crammed into this room. Each one occupied by a full-bodied, naked and erect German guy. They are each swaying back and forth, in time to the "In Fernem Land" aria from Wagner's Lohengrin.


Pay No Attention to the Man In Front of the Curtain

David: I've never understood curtains, unless you have one of those bathtubs that are also a shower and then it's a necessity dictated by the laws of gravity and your desire to hold on to your apartment's security deposit by not destroying the floor.



Subscribe to RSS - Dens From Hell