Bedroom Terrors

Mexican Wrestler's Off-White and Blond Wood World

Shawn:Santo's inner sanctum? The Haunted World of El Superbeasto? This really is the ideal cover abode for a masked Mexican wrestler, of heroic or villainous persuasion. The practical, austere color palette -- plenty of bland off-white and no-nonsense unfinished blond wood -- is all about staying incognito as far as the neighbors go. A Lucha Libre superstar would just be drowning in red velvet or psychedelic tie dye. There are telltale giveaways for the keen-eyed wrestling groupie, though.

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Dead Leaves Sitting Fallow in an Empty Bottle of Booze

Shawn: Another weirdly stranded-in-boyhood bedroom. As many of these as I encounter, I'm still bemused by the number of comforters that look like Zack Morris or Parker Lewis should be sleeping under them circa 1991.

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Dorm Room Full of Adolescent Macho Crap

Shawn: It's all so jejune, isn't it -- callow, even -- that my first instinct is to guess this a dorm room full of literal adolescent macho signifiers. Beer swag, cheesecake pin-ups, road work signage (?), pennants, model car, crime scene tape (admittedly, a turn-on) -- this is really the snapshot of cliché late teens man-boy buckhood adapting to the wide berth of maturation.

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A Jaundiced Hue (and Cry)

Shawn: I've been watching the first season of Charlie's Angels recently (conclusion: I am Kelly), and if there's one defining element to mid-'70s decor, it's that everything is yellow.  A jaundiced hue permeates every component of a space, from wall phones to wallpaper. The entire tableau screams swingin' '70s seduction. Dig the ornate lacquer headboard, perfectly shaped to allow leverage for grasping palms.

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A Hunting and Gathering Hovel for Amateur Furriers

Richard: Aaaaaand last but not least: Bachelor Number Three!

Bachelor Number Three enjoys pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, and long walks in the woods to his private deer stand. And rest assured, gentlemen, he's not getting down from there until he shoots something! This amateur furrier has already begun work on a squirrel-tail coat -- could it fit you?

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Taxi Cab Chic Saves the Day

David: Amidst the soul-sucking sense of squalor there is a pittance of design sensibility shining through this golden disaster. I'll call it Taxi Cab Chic. The bright yellow wall made even more emphatic (if that's possible) through its contrast with the exposed black (!) mattress (where does one even find a black mattress?) and the (devil-may-care) Venetian blind shield. It's all quite magical in a Martin Scorsese sorta way.

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Stranded in a Strange, Strange Land.

Shawn: I actually had Colonial-themed wallpaper as a child, and even now I'd still prefer that over floral pattern. Throw too many petals at me and I start to feel like Dorothy just wanting to rest her eyes in a deadly poppy field. Weirdly, the color scheme of this pad has me picturing the map of Oz, with red Quadling country giving way mid-range to the Deadly Desert and finally emerging into yellow Winkie Land.

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Attack of the Four-Foot Lava Lamp

Richard: Okay, okay: I call shenanigans. For maybe the first time in Lurid Digs history, I think we've been suckered into using a total fake. First of all, I refuse to believe that the Lava Lamp Corporation makes a nightstand of that size. The proportions are all wrong, and something about the base almost makes it look Photoshopped into the image.

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Bedroom on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

Shawn: An abode for a divided self split right down the center, overstuffed excess versus stark white ramshackle. Possibly a schizophrenic's, maybe even a carnival half & half's, but likely a drag performer whose occupation requires two to live as one.

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