Bedroom Terrors

The Problem of Pink (and Second Childhood Homeowners)

Richard:When I see photos like this -- and I see them more often than you'd think -- I always begin singing that Nina Simone song, Black Is The Color (Of My True Love's Hair), except I change the title to Jade or Puce or whatever color I'm looking at. And so, in this case, I'm humming Pink Is The Color (Of My True Love's Hair) and wishing that it were just the hair that was pink instead of the entire fucking room.

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Duct Tape: It Isn't Just for the Garage Anymore!

Shawn: Cabin fever! This is an away-from-it-all setting just like the in The Ring, Evil Dead, or Twin Peaks -- perfect for an investigative reporter or F.B.I. agent stranded on assignment in the sticks, on the heels of something namelessly evil. Navajo curtains shut out the harsh light of day -- but not the baleful cry of the hawk -- as you pore over assorted newspaper clippings and crime scene photos.

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A Visual Cross Section of the "Mature" Gay Psyche

David: Wow, when this submission blew into our mailbox it took about ten minutes before my glee began to wane. Finally, I said to myself, someone has done an interior of their interior. One doesn't need to be a shrink to study the strata of wall hangings and collection of totems to immediately 'get' that this is a complete liberalization of the gay male psyche. As if goading us to enter his private inner world, the hospital green wallpaper preps us for psychic surgery.

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Floral Explosion at the Overlook Hotel

Richard: Heaven help us: the Overlook Hotel is open for business again. Now, it would be easy for the novice to get distracted by those dead-eyed dolls and the teddy bear/chaser couple spooning in bed, but ignore them for a moment (if you can), because there's worse afoot. Let's start with that floral border, topping off the matchy-matchy (if you squint) wallpaper below it.

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Earthquake Hazards -- with High Heels

David: I get a jittery, low-rumble-in-the-gut feeling from this interior. A reaction akin to a farm animal minutes before an earthquake strikes. Why such teeny tiny wall shelving, jam-packed with gewgaws and gay carnival trinkets? Let's hope that piggy bank is empty. Another big no-no, should this bed actually be used for any sort of sexual activity, would be the exposed light bulb fixture. Oh dear!

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How Not to Scavenge Your Local Motel 6

Richard: There's nothing like the interweb to remind you how small the world is. Every week, I find myself sifting through the Tumblogs, and suddenly I'm like, "Oh, I've been to that restaurant!" or "Hey, that's my old roommate! But he always said he was a top..." And now, this photo, which was clearly taken in my youngest brother's bedroom circa 1995. 

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Motel Chic: The New Gay Vagabond Vibrancy

David: It's fascinating how bad vibes can be generated from room decor that really isn't that abhorrent. The arrangement and choice of items here (especially the bedspread that looks like a gigantic tiger print paper towel) conveys a sort of gay vagabond vibrancy. This is what happens to someone when his social/sexual world is comprised of nothing but hookups. His abode begins to reflect the motel ethos of mini-bars, sticky VCRs and dining gear teleported directly from a 1970s Dairy Queen.

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Safety Alert: Sloppily Installed Mirrors on Canopy Beds

David: This is more of a hazard warning, than aesthetics commentary. I mean, why would interior design advice need be given on an arrangement that should never occur in the first place? Namely, improperly installing mirrors within the fucking interior of a canopy bed. Never mind the fact that men shouldn't have or sleep in canopy beds.

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A Room of Shrines, Altars and -- WTF?

Shawn:Again, just one of those room that had to be occupied by a woman (specifically: Mommy?) before being passed down to a male occupant. Lots of Garland fetishes, the requisite (eerie) family portrait, and an immense (terrifying) Valentine -- this must be how Myron Breckinridge felt when he'd awaken from a blackout to find Myra had taken control of his life.

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Sage Walls Herald the Hark of Too Much Christmas

Richard: Oh. So close. So very, very close. The track lighting? Brilliant. Perhaps the best we've seen. A tad bright for sex, but that's what dimmers are for. The walls? Sublime. That soft sage/seafoam green may not be as trendy as honeysuckle (the official color of 2011 ), but it's still nice and strange and understated and NOT BEIGE.

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