Bedroom Terrors

A Half-Way House Netherwold

Shawn: Hey, at the end of the day, we all want to be Elisabeth Shue doing her opening credits thang in Adventures In Babysitting, but sadly, life comes with all manner of constraints. And really -- isn't this whole scene a testament to the defiance of the suffocating hedges of reality?

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Blonde on Blonde

Richard: This can't be real. I have to believe that this is a movie set or an art installation or possibly a frame from a gay horror video game based on Dennis Cooper's novel The Sluts. Because if this is real, I lose all remaining faith in gay humanity.

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Pink Meets the Existential Void

David: Gosh, this homeowner has managed to turn pink into a depressing spectacle (I'm referring to the wall behind him); and that's quite an achievement when you consider the associations of love and romance that we usually attach to this gayish hue.

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Minimalism Chic Destroyed By Cracker Barrel

Richard: You know how when you look at a kid's drawing taped to a refrigerator, you can sometimes tell what they were aiming for, even though they didn't quite have the skills to pull it off? In a similar way, I can see where this was going.

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An Ambien®-Induced Dream Vision of Blue

Shawn:"On my knees/ help me baby/ tell me what can I do? -- electric blue!" Somehow, this color scheme is able to approximate the sensation I get when I take an Ambien® Yes, only a wild orchid (as in Two Shades of Blue) of a hothouse flower could ever reside in this space. What appear to be indications of excessive journal-writing, scrapbooking, and/or craft-making are clear signs of a deeply convoluted inner world.

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Ripley's Believe It Or Not!'s Bizarro World Bedroom

Richard: Children are terrible people. They're lazy, they're uneducated, and they often carry disease. Worse: they make sensible parents do stupid things, like tote around garish diaper bags and visit déclassé tourist spots.

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If Bad Taste Was a Cocktail: Presenting 'The Hurricane'

Richard:Explanation #1: Camouflage
Our friend is being pursued by a color-blind stalker. Between the leopard print, the zebra print, and the wooden blinds, he's probably safe, so long as he doesn't move.

Explanation #2: Laziness
Sloth is the only thing that could explain the careless misspelling of "techno" (unless the kids are listening to "techo" now) and the lingering, high-1980s wall-treatment -- which, I sadly know, was executed with a feather duster.

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Man Cave or a Sad Return to the Familial Nest?

Shawn: A Chris Lee shot? Nothing quite conveys that you're in a blissful traditional marriage and enjoy dick on the side like framing your nudie shot with sore-thumb family signifiers. Too-staged photos that scream "We're happy! Why wouldn't we be happy?!

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The Problem of Pink (and Second Childhood Homeowners)

Richard:When I see photos like this -- and I see them more often than you'd think -- I always begin singing that Nina Simone song, Black Is The Color (Of My True Love's Hair), except I change the title to Jade or Puce or whatever color I'm looking at. And so, in this case, I'm humming Pink Is The Color (Of My True Love's Hair) and wishing that it were just the hair that was pink instead of the entire fucking room.

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Duct Tape: It Isn't Just for the Garage Anymore!

Shawn: Cabin fever! This is an away-from-it-all setting just like the in The Ring, Evil Dead, or Twin Peaks -- perfect for an investigative reporter or F.B.I. agent stranded on assignment in the sticks, on the heels of something namelessly evil. Navajo curtains shut out the harsh light of day -- but not the baleful cry of the hawk -- as you pore over assorted newspaper clippings and crime scene photos.

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