Bedroom Terrors

The Man Who Mistook His Bedroom For A Cat

Richard:Sometimes, you see a room and you think, “Oh, that’s nicely done.” Other times, you can’t shut your browser fast enough.

And then there’s this. I can’t even focus on this room to form an opinion about it. My gaze keeps slipping into the middle distance because the carpet is essentially a monochromatic Magic Eye painting, and my immediate response when confronted with any Magic Eye painting is to search for the hidden image.

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Decorating Tips For Poe Boys

Richard: Full confession: I am a sci-fi/fantasy geek. I can recite long passages from Doctor Who, pre-reboot. I once stayed home from work to binge-watch all 74 episodes of the “new” Battlestar Galactica — and not just because I was entranced by Jamie Bamber’s magnificent ass. (Well, maybe a little.) For the past several years, three friends and I have met every week for a potluck dinner, topped off by hours of D&D.

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The Fine Art of Saying NO! (And Definitely Not!)

David: I know the ongoing recession has driven many of us to cut back on our spending and also relocate due to exorbitant rents. But something I’d advise none of you do is add more clutter to already too-small spaces.

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Fashion Weak

Richard:Someone — possibly George Bernard Shaw — once said that youth is wasted on the young.

You know what’s not wasted on the young? Rit fabric dye.

Whoever decorated this room is clearly on the green side of 30. Hell, I don’t know anyone over the age of 25 who thinks that booze bottles are acceptable bibelots. And everyone who’s been to college knows the pain that comes from removing dozens of taped magazine clippings from the walls. That’s a mistake you don’t make twice.

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Just A Spoonful of...Well, Never Mind

Eric: Parts of this little corner of design hell are eerily familiar to me. I have a set of denim drapes. They're in my Gay Vintage Farmboy guestroom. Also there is a lamp my father made in shop class in 1955 and the 'Early American' bedroom suite from my adolescence, pieces of which I drybrushed to cover how inexpensive they were.

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Goin' For Baroque

Eric: Guys, there's no shame in wanting some ornamentation our lives and homes. We're gay men, not lesbians.

But look at this place. Enough is too much. Liberace would want to take this down a notch. Curlicues and gilt and such must be used sparingly. The modern eye can't take it, and neither can my nerves. There's enough here to emasculate an entire house.

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David Lynch Does Doogie Howser

Shawn: Look, we all have our familial resentments, but those are usually best aired in a controlled forum like an intervention, an exorcism, or a cock fight. Working out your ire against Mommy and Daddy via a Recon personal ad should be reserved for those with the last names Barrymore or Lohan only.

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A Scream Down Memory Lane

Eric: Mostly, I love this job. Interior design, snark, and penises all at the same time? A dream come true. Yet sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat, terror seizing my throat, with my flight instinct in overdrive. Wanna guess which reaction this room gave me?

There aren't enough invisible quotation marks in the world to make this mess work. Not by far.

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Click Bait Waiting to Happen

David: For all of this room's seeming 'innocence', the disturbing clash of colors batters the eye, and triggers a low-grade vertigo. Spinning and spinning until we tumble to the floor, taking refuge on the Ikea doggy bed/futon arrangement.

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Open Up to the Possibilities

Eric: The great grey beast is behind us, and Pastel Hell has not yet begun. We're in the end-season doldrums, and it's showing in our décor.

What to do, what advice to give our young supplicant?

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