Bedroom Terrors

Laura Ashley Meets Warhol

David: One of the big reveals that we each encounter at the end of our lives is this: It was all about choices. Sidestepping the neverending philosophical debate regarding 'fate' or 'free will', we'll just assume that 'choice' is something we each have some modicum of involvement with. And this tableau symbolizes the myriad ways it can all go tragically wrong.

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No Shoes? No Shirt? No Progress

Eric: Never judge a man until you've walked a mile with one of his sandals on your cock.

I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible.

This room, however, brings other books to mind. Plain Eyre? The Old Man and the Ikea? A Room With a Shoe? The Picture of Dorian Beige?

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Hipster Trump Trauma

David: No. No. No. Just no. What's more disturbing than a Pokémon stuffed animal propped on your bed's headboard? Your 4th-grade efforts to trace your favorite Pokémon illustration hanging from the wall.

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Red Alert: Barracks and Botulism

David: Ever enter a room (or opened a refrigerator) and thought to yourself: "Jesus fuck ... there must be a cure for cancer growing in here." Well, so, yeah -- THAT!

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Pink Narcissus

David: Missing drawers, missing photos, missing hangers, missing plastic seat covers (for when you're self-sucking yourself into a frenzy and get too much of a mouthful and then, well -- I mean, spillage! -- come on!)

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Don't Be Crewel

Eric: With his last breath, our fairy godfather Oscar Wilde lifted his head off the pillow in his shitty apartment, took a look around and declared "Either that wallpaper goes or I do."

I totally understand. I could never get naked, much less dead, in a room where the walls look like embroidery, be it gros point, counted cross-stitch, turkey work, candle wicking, or whatever.
It's an easy fix -- primer, neutral textured paint, and you're done.

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Just Hangin' Out

David: After Richard's recent exploration into minimalism (a Lurid Digs first -- see the post prior to this one), it seemed fitting to slowly ease our way back into the horrors of clutter and mismatched colors by taking on another fairly tame bedroom.

So here are some quick pointers for this sad beige space

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Under the Top: A Monk's Bunk

Richard: Going bare isn't for everyone. It's hard work and requires loads of planning. If you think over-the-top is daunting, just try going under-the-top.

Seriously, any idiot with a Walmart gift card can buy a bunch of crap for the casa. Scuffed table? Put a doily on it! Hole in the wall? That inspirational cat poster will cover it just fine. Maximalism can be artful, but the way most people do it, it's more properly called "thrift store tornado aftermath". Or "hoarding".

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Beelzebub's Bedroom Booty Call

Richard: Ignore, if you can, the linens, which are anything but linen. Suffice it to say that the owner of this poorly feng shui-ed Airbnb cubbyhole doesn't give two bumps of Boudreaux's Butt Paste if his guests break out in rashes after sleeping on 110% acrylic dropcloths.

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And So This Is Christmas

Eric: Not our usual Holiday XXXtravaganza, as you may have noticed.The world has taken a turn these last few months. Chaos, corruption, hysteria, confusion, fear, lack of manscaping. It's even trickled down to our own little corner, the naked selfie ('nelfie'? 'peniselfie'? surely someone can coin a phrase).

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