Your Kindness keeps us Mean!

Design Experts

Richard writes the infamous queer blog Sturtle.com. His turn-ons include wainscoting, ZZ Top, and sharp-dressed men. Turn-offs: sectionals, pleated trousers, and pina coladas.

David K. publishes Nightcharm, the only gay porn site ever to be featured on Oprah and regularly compared to Martha Stewart Living.

Eric B. does not Facebook, Tweet or blog. He uses the internet to cruise for sex, like god intended. He has leopard print in every room of his house, save one. And he does not apologize

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David: Ever enter a room (or opened a refrigerator) and thought to yourself: "Jesus fuck ... there must be a cure for cancer growing in here." Well, so, yeah -- THAT!

Obvious pointers arise from the depths of our designer Dos and Don'ts list -- which, really?... must we highlight? A little white paint would go a long way. Empty the trash can. Maybe add several more 'red arrow' notices to make sure everyone knows where the fire extinguisher (!) is located. Oy. Some art on the walls would be nice. Or maybe just one of those posters of a big-titted gal in a thong leaning over the opened hood of a car -- pretending to know where the head gasket is on the motor. You know real 'guy art.'

We have to give props for what looks to be the air conditioner hidden behind aluminum mini-blinds. But then how does light enter this room. Oh! rhetorical question. Any biology major knows you need shadowing to grow the best mold specimens. See, we might be design experts but that doesn't mean any of us graduated high school.

Best feign hearing reveille and exit this room pronto. (But leave your urine sample with the nurse in the back corner.)

Richard: Ladies and gentlemen, Lurid Digs is proud to present a technological breakthrough: the internet's first scratch-and-sniff jpg! It's so advanced, you don't even have to scratch your screen. Just sniff!

Sniff, and inhale in the musty scent of that dingy sofa (which the owner probably calls a couch)! Why open the sliding doors and let in a little fresh air when you can breathe and rebreathe such an intoxicating fragrance?

Sniff, and take in the mingled odors of stale beer and dog food! Doesn't that take you back to your heady, trailer park days?

Sniff, and enjoy the aroma of dust and dander, infused into yards of mismatched fabrics, from the drapes to the throw blanket to the tablecloth that's been tastefully placed beneath the TV! Call off the septic service: a clogged tank would only enhance the proletarian perfume of this magnificent room.

David: Missing drawers, missing photos, missing hangers, missing plastic seat covers (for when you're self-sucking yourself into a frenzy and get too much of a mouthful and then, well -- I mean, spillage! -- come on!)

Because nearly 80 percent of the submissions we receive here at LD are snatched from hook-up site profiles we're continually forced to offer commentaries that act as utilitarian Queer Culture PSAs. We don't mind providing this service, although it gets to be tedious regarding frequency. I mean, the one faux pas we see repeatedly? Family photos in the background of the interiors. Or in this case, the room denizen's own baby photo which creates a creepy Lynchian contrast when placed in the vicinity of his uroboric shenanigans.

So, rule number one: All family photos go into a drawer (well, a slot in this case. As mentioned above the drawer's gone missing).

A quick closing note: Pink is never a good wall color for a man's bedroom. Ever. Especially when coupled with white dresser and closet doors that feature that faux French colonial vibe. It all harkens back to Patty's cousin Cathy's bedroom, from the old (very old now) Patty Duke Show. To borrow from that show's theme song it can "make you can lose your mind." And we kinda have on this interior. We're logging off now -- before this guy's next Chaturbate session begins.

David: One of America's finest novelists, Don DeLillo once noted: “Before pop art, there was such a thing as bad taste. Now there's kitsch, schlock, camp, and porn.” We've a sneaking suspicion that Mr. DeLillo might have found inspiration for his quote after appraising the discomfiting color and texture collision of this particular closet-into-a-room conversion. (It's nice to know that DeLillo is a fan of the site -- though how he got privy to our collection of unpublished contenders on our computers is a mystery. Damn Russians -- they are trawling everwhere nowadays!)

Like the occupant of this room, we too would avoid, whenever possible, sitting (sinking?) into the maneating love seat and matching chair ensemble. Unless of course, we were participating in a Keep the USA Green campaign -- but even then the dull, dank Phthalocyanine Green fabric (?) bestows a toxic or mold-like vibe that does little to convey a clean, sprightly American environment. So nix that idea.

So, yes, best stand on the furniture and then leap or tumble-roll out of the room once you've completed your selfie-snapping in this unsafe space. Sometimes, regarding a space or a place -- once is enough. And we concur.

David: In a back office of the popular TLC show Hoarding: Buried Alive, camera men and crew members share private horror tales of the various off-camera discoveries that haunt their sleep at night. These never-featured highlights now reside somewhere within the digital detrius of the computer's vid editing software.

Lucky for us (and you) the following pic was snapped and submitted to our staff at Lurid Digs by a sly TLC intern who was trawling around the officially declared disaster area of this Alabama home.

Apparently, this closet space was utilized by a variety of family member (within a brood of 9 siblings -- all male and all over the age of consent) to snap numerous selfies and dick shots to submit to fans on tumblr and sundry hookup apps.

Per our usual guidelines for amateur self-portrait-takers, we'd like to recommend a simple sheet or blanket to conceal Mammy Yokum's collection of cookware that somehow made its way from Civil War days to this particular moment of 15-minute fame whoring. And maybe just go ahead and lug all the trash on the lower shelf out to the trash, it couldn't hurt as far as general ambiance and atmosphere are concerned.

Also, go ahead and live dangerously and remove the piece of plywood that's attempting to mimic a chair's back. And then go hog wild and rip down dad's old spreadsheet from 1982 too.

It's little tweaking like this that can place the viewer's eye smack dab on the goods being advertised -- a win-win situation for everyone involved.