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First Floor

Design Experts

Richard writes the infamous queer blog Sturtle.com. His turn-ons include wainscoting, ZZ Top, and sharp-dressed men. Turn-offs: sectionals, pleated trousers, and pina coladas.

David K. publishes Nightcharm, the only gay porn site ever to be featured on Oprah and regularly compared to Martha Stewart Living.

Eric B. does not Facebook, Tweet or blog. He uses the internet to cruise for sex, like god intended. He has leopard print in every room of his house, save one. And he does not apologize

Heather Corinna is the undisputed diva of online erotica for chicks. She publishes Scarleteen.com and is a sex guru to thousands of teenagers.

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Richard: Ignore, if you can, the linens, which are anything but linen. Suffice it to say that the owner of this poorly feng shui-ed Airbnb cubbyhole doesn't give two bumps of Boudreaux's Butt Paste if his guests break out in rashes after sleeping on 110% acrylic dropcloths.

No, there are bigger issues looming here, like cracks in the bottomless abyss of Cost Plus World Market home decor. The first is those wall hangings, which...I mean, given the stats on most Scruff profiles, I know that there's a shortage of rulers out there, but don't people own straight-edges anymore? A scrap of picture molding? A disused curtain rod? A vintage Kris Lord dildo, perhaps? Shit like this isn't whimsical, it's sloppy, and positioned so low to the bed, it presents a real safety hazard for the vacationing couple who've stumbled home from Senior Frog's to engage in a clumsy three-way with their coked-up, swing-shift bartender. Though I suppose the sheets will clean up nicely.

Then there's the other problem, which is WHY IN THE NAME OF BARBARA HERSHEY IS THAT MATTRESS LEVITATING? Is someone expecting a booty call with Beelzebub? Drop the molly, girl, you in danger!

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Eric: As a double Capricorn, I must admit that I like it when a guy invites me to come over, and when I get there he's already naked. It's so efficient.

(History lesson: 'wanna come over?' is what used to be code for beer and unspecified sodomy long before 'Netflix and chill' came into usage. Then, as now, '...and hang out' = anal.)

So now we're inside with a naked man. What to do? Take down the large poster, of course, and put it in the dining nook where it belongs. Then paint the walls a nice, quietly masculine color like loden green.

Next step is a 2/3 scale Edwardian hall tree. Or a nice Shaker bench and peg rack. Clothing torn off in a fit of passion and strewn down the hallway is hot. On the living room floor, it's just tacky.

Can't help but see the chair or couch or loveseat, no matter how I try not to. That particular plaid reached its apogee with the neo-traditional cults of the Reagan era and has been in Rent-A-Center decline ever since. Slipcover it immediately.

But maybe fauxpholstery isn't your thing. I can work with that. You've got 5 colors in front of you. Pick three of them, hopefully not including the red. Now list everything you need to finish the room -- lamps and shades, artwork, frames and mattes, skeet blankets, toss pillows, objets d'art, semen-masking scented candles, curtains, and so forth. Do half of them in your main color, about a third in your second choice, and the rest in the other.

There's also a tease of repro Mission here. That's fortunate, as you can goose it in several directions. Historical accuracy would call for wrought iron, Saltillo tiles, and pierced tin. That's a bit too dykey for this love nest. You're a gay man, so break out the Aubussons and Art Nouveau.

This type of shorthand masc furniture, if you take the shortcut and buy the entire suite, will make it seem like you did a one-stop at the Butch By Default store. If you're in danger of overdose, slap on a distressed coat of pigment to some of the pieces. Most surely, the coffee and end tables will suffice.

Going overboard will tilt this room into Laura Ashley painted cottage territory. And that will leave the menfolk running for the door.

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Art

Um, Kevin remarks:

Hard to believe you dismissed the poster as "large" and left it at that, Eric. The sweet "little" man and plaid chair are in pretty much exactly the same relationship as the Stepford wife and dining room chair in the poster. This isn't a personals ad, it's Art.

Wed, 02/22/2017 - 04:21

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Wed, 02/22/2017 - 09:20

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Eric: Not our usual Holiday XXXtravaganza, as you may have noticed.The world has taken a turn these last few months. Chaos, corruption, hysteria, confusion, fear, lack of manscaping. It's even trickled down to our own little corner, the naked selfie ('nelfie'? 'peniselfie'? surely someone can coin a phrase).

We here at Lurid Digs are determined to soldier on in spite of the havoc wrought by the recent electile dysfunction. We will continue to search out the cock within the schlock, the ass in the morass, the fuck in the WTF.

What a perfect example we have here, the tiny and the pink trees. Is it defiant inclusion (you're welcome here in the antebunker whether you're Orthodox Gay or Reform), or tonight he's gonna party like it's 1969?

Here are the pre-apocalypse Airbnb, who needs a mattress on the floor? Maybe there's one in the backpack, but making do with a pizza carrier, tarp and Barbie bistro chair are a subtle yet pointed reminder of all that we have to lose.

Speaking of quiet harbingers of the pain yet to come, who needs lube when you have a tub of Noxema at the ready?

Speaking of ready, let's leave this year behind and brace ourselves for what's coming next.

That's enough Auld Lang Whining. Merry Christmas, bitches, and Happy New Year. We'll see you soon. With our pants off, of course.

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Tue, 03/14/2017 - 23:00

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Lurid Digs Christmas

Richard: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our holiday home tour of Bay-Area basements, sponsored by Airbnb.

Airbnb: depleting rental housing stock and destroying communities since 2008. Next, we're checking out this tastefully decorated mancave that should give you football fans plenty of decorating ideas. And just look at all that holiday cheer: the dazzling lights! The Santa! Santa's Coca-Cola big rig!

This one-bedroom, half-bath has a very special feature: an incredible shrinking drop-ceiling! It's like someone took a split-level ranch and turned it upside down. It's a metaphor, I think! So, so cosy and not remotely claustrophobic.
But to fully appreciate these digs, you need to breathe it all in--literally. Take a whiff. That kind of super funk can't be artificially manufactured, no ma'am! It requires Regan-era wall-to-wall carpet, a redundant area rug, and a chain-smoking inhabitant who's addicted to porn. Two delightful Yankee candles and a dissipated Glade room deodorizer add to the elusive scent--and they make great decorations, too!

Now, back to the bus for the next stop. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I'll give you a five-word hint: "Facebook indentured servant bunk beds"!

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Duplex, Dayton OH

PassinThru remarks:

This is a duplex. Windowless wall on living - dining room side. Basements don't have thermostats, colonial windows are standard in F.O.C. The décor, especially the drapes are 1983; the CRT computer, the torchiere, the lamp, and the chair are late 1990's Wal Mart. The hairdo is timeless in those parts. Cheap digs for sure. The picture is 20 years old. I sometimes use old pics to lure them in, then meet in a dark place. I cross my fingers hoping Mr Right doesn't put a time line on the surroundings. Often works.

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Richard: These are not our usual interiors.

For starters, they're meticulously clean. (The homeowner probably isn't responsible for that.)

They're also a bit grand, in the same way that we'd be "a bit" excited to slobber on Christopher Meloni's pendulous nutsack or gargle with Chris Noth's DNA.

And of course, they're aggressively bland. Sure, there's a lot of baroque bullshit -- the gilt chairs, the inset ceilings, the tops of those completely decorative, not-at-all architecturally significant Corinthian columns. But the monochromatic monsoon of gold and rose-gold and beige makes this the decorative equivalent of a real-housewives hairstyle: tasteful and camera-friendly and utterly devoid of character. That plain, white phalaenopsis at the top looks positively decadent by comparison, that's how goddamn bland this shit is.

Worst of all, these rooms aren't meant for fucking. They're not comfortable or sexy enough for that.

No, these rooms are meant for fucking people over. They're meant to impress. They're built for a person with something to prove. I wouldn't trust anyone I met here further than I could throw him/her across those marble floors.

Which means that this is either the Pope's house or someone with even tinier hands.

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