No Shoes? No Shirt? No Progress

Eric: Never judge a man until you've walked a mile with one of his sandals on your cock.

I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible.

This room, however, brings other books to mind. Plain Eyre? The Old Man and the Ikea? A Room With a Shoe? The Picture of Dorian Beige?

It's obvious that, whatever design tome our occupant skimmed, he didn't finish the chapter on monochromatic rooms. One color can be a useful shortcut, but you have to mix it up with varying tones and different textures. If you don't, the effect isn't restful, it's soporific. Your trusty paint sample strip has 5-7 shades on it. Pick three of them.

Getting this room to the last page is simple. Either change the walls or change the linens.

I vote for both. The right green would really make that repro bedside chest and the flatpack end table at the foot of the bed look intentional instead of hand-me-downs.

Since we've mentioned the bed, the end of it is where your old trunk goes, a handy place to toss clothes instead of leaving them on the floor. I'd hit the bed itself with spray coats of primer and textured brass paints.

As far as the existing bedclothes, put the skirt under the boxspring and the fitted sheet on it. Then you have a covering for the under bed storage you haven't bought yet. Replace the rest. Bed-In-A-Bag is your best bet, including reversible duvet cover. One side for skeetin' on, one side for sleeping under.

I like the candle stand, but not as a hatrack. Those gimme caps should be given back.

Put a few large rag rugs over that embarrassed carpeting. Much easier to clean the lube tracks.

Finally, the art. You're a gay man, and if your bedroom doesn't show it, you're in trouble. Another easy fix. Dig out your stash of magazine porn. You know you have one, don't even pretend. Find the picture that ummm inspires you the most. Put a piece of onionskin on it and without lifting the pen (that's the important part) trace the figure in one continuous line. Place a sheet of plain white paper under it. Dots and dashes of colored pencils for hair, eyes, nips, cockhead if you like. Finish with your spikiest and most illegible signature. Use the frame that's already there. Repeat as often as necessary until your walls are fabulous.

After all, if it has a penis in it, it's automatically fine art. You can quote me on that, chapter and verse.