Charming Fixer-Upper, Motivated Seller!

Richard: At some point or other, you've probably been bitten by the home improvement bug. You awoke on the floor of your lanai or your kitchen or, if you're German, your enema dungeon, clutching an empty bottle of Luxardo and thought, "This room could use some sprucing up."

Next thing you knew, you were rolling a giant orange cart back to your car, laden with 12 gallons of "oops" paint, half a dozen rollers, and a few of the cheapest brushes ever produced in central Asia. You got it all home, group-texted a small army of friends, promised the world's best pizza party if only they'd come help apply a little paint to your sad walls, and waited. And waited. And waited. And eventually ordered one small cheese pizza and a Diet Coke, an order that Domino's still managed to fuck up.

And so, you set to work all by your lonesome. Only, you realized that you forgot some important shit in the paint aisle--namely, drop cloths and painter's tape. You were like, "Eh, I'll just be extra careful," and you ran down the street to the corner store to pick up a handful of News on Wheels to lay on the floor. And of course, you didn't want to mess up your clothes, so since you were working alone, you decided to paint in the buff. You put on your favorite Right Said Fred CD and voila, SEXY PAINT TIMES!

You managed fine without the tape, at least at the top of the walls. The floor turned into kind of a mess, though: gravity became your sworn enemy that day. And worst of all, for the first time ever, you noticed that there were water marks on the ceiling and mold stains below, and why in the motherfucking fuckity fuck fuck didn't you ever finish hanging that door, anyway?

The next morning, you awoke with an empty bottle of Fernet-Branca in your hand and called that real estate agent who sometimes gives you handy-js at the gym and told him to list your place pronto. Signing over the title to a 30something straight DINK couple who looked like poster children for the tech industry in their $400 hoodies, you thought to yourself, "I hope you brought your hazmat suits, suckers!", and laughed all the way to the bank.