Best Table for Sunday Brunch at the Holiday Inn on Route 9

Richard: Minimalism is the handjob of the design world. On paper, it seems pretty simple. In practice, not so much.

That's because minimalism is a two-step process. Step #1: keep things to a minimum. Which is, like, duh, obviously, but step #2 is far more complicated: make sure the things you've kept are exquisite.

Few things in this room are exquisite.

Case in point: those prints of a Ford Mustang and F1 racecar. If they were five times bigger--and framed, please--they might do the trick, but I doubt it. Commercial photos of automobiles are best suited for the interiors of gas stations, garages, and garbage cans.

I'm no fan of the dining set, either. I could perhaps stomach the lines of the chairs and the oak finish, even though the ensemble screams "Best table for Sunday brunch at the Holiday Inn on Route 9". The upholstery, however, is milquetoast madness--padded like an 80s prom dress, and what bland fuckery is that print? From here, it looks like the world's least interesting hieroglyphs about Tutankhamun's final 401k contributions.

Last but not least: can we discuss the tablescape? I mean, I'm sure our host has prepared a sumptuous, romantic buffet, but did he have to use those boner-killing candles? Is there any shade of blue less appetizing than "country"? A nude table would've been just fine.