Beelzebub's Bedroom Booty Call

Richard: Ignore, if you can, the linens, which are anything but linen. Suffice it to say that the owner of this poorly feng shui-ed Airbnb cubbyhole doesn't give two bumps of Boudreaux's Butt Paste if his guests break out in rashes after sleeping on 110% acrylic dropcloths.

No, there are bigger issues looming here, like cracks in the bottomless abyss of Cost Plus World Market home decor. The first is those wall hangings, which...I mean, given the stats on most Scruff profiles, I know that there's a shortage of rulers out there, but don't people own straight-edges anymore? A scrap of picture molding? A disused curtain rod? A vintage Kris Lord dildo, perhaps? Shit like this isn't whimsical, it's sloppy, and positioned so low to the bed, it presents a real safety hazard for the vacationing couple who've stumbled home from Senior Frog's to engage in a clumsy three-way with their coked-up, swing-shift bartender. Though I suppose the sheets will clean up nicely.

Then there's the other problem, which is WHY IN THE NAME OF BARBARA HERSHEY IS THAT MATTRESS LEVITATING? Is someone expecting a booty call with Beelzebub? Drop the molly, girl, you in danger!