Knock and Cum on Our Door

Eric: As a double Capricorn, I must admit that I like it when a guy invites me to come over, and when I get there he's already naked. It's so efficient.

(History lesson: 'wanna come over?' is what used to be code for beer and unspecified sodomy long before 'Netflix and chill' came into usage. Then, as now, '...and hang out' = anal.)

So now we're inside with a naked man. What to do? Take down the large poster, of course, and put it in the dining nook where it belongs. Then paint the walls a nice, quietly masculine color like loden green.

Next step is a 2/3 scale Edwardian hall tree. Or a nice Shaker bench and peg rack. Clothing torn off in a fit of passion and strewn down the hallway is hot. On the living room floor, it's just tacky.

Can't help but see the chair or couch or loveseat, no matter how I try not to. That particular plaid reached its apogee with the neo-traditional cults of the Reagan era and has been in Rent-A-Center decline ever since. Slipcover it immediately.

But maybe fauxpholstery isn't your thing. I can work with that. You've got 5 colors in front of you. Pick three of them, hopefully not including the red. Now list everything you need to finish the room -- lamps and shades, artwork, frames and mattes, skeet blankets, toss pillows, objets d'art, semen-masking scented candles, curtains, and so forth. Do half of them in your main color, about a third in your second choice, and the rest in the other.

There's also a tease of repro Mission here. That's fortunate, as you can goose it in several directions. Historical accuracy would call for wrought iron, Saltillo tiles, and pierced tin. That's a bit too dykey for this love nest. You're a gay man, so break out the Aubussons and Art Nouveau.

This type of shorthand masc furniture, if you take the shortcut and buy the entire suite, will make it seem like you did a one-stop at the Butch By Default store. If you're in danger of overdose, slap on a distressed coat of pigment to some of the pieces. Most surely, the coffee and end tables will suffice.

Going overboard will tilt this room into Laura Ashley painted cottage territory. And that will leave the menfolk running for the door.