It's a Mottled, Mottled, Mottled World

Eric:At first I thought it was me. Then I put my glasses on and the room looked exactly the same.

From the popcorn ceiling to Granny's faded wallpaper to the disturbed nap of the upholstery to the cork floor, even to the reflected Olan Mills backdrop, the tenant's body fur and the acidwashed cat's-whisker finish on his jeans (has there ever been a more stupid fashion trend, by the way?

What man wants to look like his vagina is eating his clothes? And the goddamn sequins on the harlequin, everything in this room is muddied. There's not a solid tone to be seen, and that hurts my soul as much as my eyes.

Fortunately, it's an easy fix. After you unplug the fireplace and take down the mirror, either remove or paint over the wallpaper. Put down a few area rugs and bring in some large-scale print accessories.

And then change your pants. It's all you need to do, and that's perfectly clear.